Honesty, Recovery, and my 10 in 20 day detox

This post is very hard for me to write.

Until recently I believed my family were the only ones who read these posts, so I didn’t feel a sense of responsibility to my readers.

But words matter, written, typed, texted, or spoken, words can raise us up, or break us down, they can heal, or kill, they can inspire us to do great things, or horrible things, if we let them.

How we talk to ourself matters. The thoughts we allow in, the words we whisper when no one is listening matter, and I have a responsibility to myself to write this post today.

So with that said, I had to stop the “lose 10 lbs in 20 days Detox,” after 10 days.

I knew from the beginning it was wrong for me, but I did it anyway.
I wanted to add a layer of better health to my already healthy diet. But soon after starting, I found myself walking a tightrope, straddling recovery with falling back into Anorexia and Bulimia, and at times I wanted to jump right into the eating disorder again.

I ignored all the signs.
I plowed through each day like a boss, because I have 20 years in recovery!
I rock right?
Nothing can touch me!
I’ve got this!
I am Kathleen Freaking Thackham!
I am a warrior!
I learned my lesson! Like, this was a “lesson” that could be learned, or unlearned.

I became cocky and full of myself.
I was going to be fine, I stuffed every feeling, every concern, every sign that I was drowning, under the rug. I had no time for that. I had readers now, I had to finish this detox.

I finished Day 10, and found myself numb, lost, scared, with no words to speak.

I had to be honest with my family that I started obsessively weighing again, that the thoughts of going back to my old behavior became so comforting, I could taste it.
I wasn’t about to go back to keeping secrets, or telling lies, so I could slowly kill myself in the process.

I know the dangers. I live with the ramifications from Bulimia every day. I have scars all over my body from self-inflicted cutting, and self- hatred. I see them daily as a reminder, but that wasn’t enough for me this time, and that scared me.

Life can change in an instant.
Recovery “time” is just a number and we can lose it so easily.
We are not guaranteed tomorrow.
We only have today, and what a blessing it is if we wake up to see the light.

I am walking a dangerous tightrope with my eating disorder right now. I am not out of the woods yet, so I have to be honest, and take care of myself. I know what I need to do, I have people in my life who love, and support me, and understand the hell I lived in before. I can’t go back to go back to those dark days.

So here is my assessment on the Lose 10 lbs in 20 days Detox.
For me, or anyone with any type of eating disorder, or addictive personality, it is wise to stay far away from anything that offers any sort of quick fix. I knew this about myself and again, I ignored it.

I loved some of the recipes, and as I need to remain on a plant-based diet, I will be using some of these recipes in my food plan, I even bought his latest cookbook.

I believe in Dr. Fuhrmans Eat to Live Program because although it appears to be restrictive, for those who want to eat meat, fish etc, it can be very well-balanced if you plan it properly.  But the detox is just that, a detox. It’s clearly designed for quick weight loss and for someone like me, that can be life threatening.

I had high hopes for this detox. I wanted badly to succeed, but I can’t put myself in any situation that could be dangerous to my physical, spiritual, or emotional well-being ever again.

This detox taught me valuable lessons from day 1.
It showed me the truth about some of my behaviors, and how easy it is to fall back into what used to feel so safe, and normal for me. I know that sounds nuts, but when you live with your ED long enough, it becomes a way of life, “comfort” in hard times, and in ways, its hard to let go of.

But make no mistake, these behaviors, and thoughts are lethal. There is no “comfort” in living your life with an eating disorder. There is no peace, no joy, no honesty, no happiness, no future. It is a form of hell I will do anything in my power to never have to live in again.

“When we are weak, then we are strong.”
Father God hold me tight, I may struggle, I may try to get away, but I know that you are there for ALL your children. You saved me once, and you will be there to walk with me as I struggle. I’m insecure right now and I need to know you still love me.

If any of you are struggling with an eating disorder and need support please click on the link below. There is help out there. There are people who understand. You are never alone.
National Eating Disorders Association

If any of you are struggling with any thoughts of suicide PLEASE know how loved you are. I care, I get it and these people can help.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
800-273-8255

Sharing my heart, hoping it helps, one day at a time,

Blessings,
Kathleen

 

 

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