Recreating Me

Todays weight: 300 lbs.

Well, I’m back to where I swore I would never be again. Seeing that 3 this morning was really disheartening, but not unexpected. I had a rough last couple of weeks. Instead of dealing directly with the frustration and anger or finding positive outlets, I moped and binged. I ate pretzels and cheese, cheese Pringles, M&Ms, Taco Bell…you name it.

I know that Saturn is currently in my sign of Virgo right now and it is supposed to push me to deal with stuff. One of the newsletters I get from Maria Shaw said, “Whatever is not working in your life, is what Saturn will bring to your attention and force you to do something about.” Well, he’s making it abundantly clear that I need to deal with my living situation, my weight and my finances.

I’m tired of having 4 chins, sleep apnea, no energy, snoring, poor physical health. I’m tired of living in an overpriced mobile home park with no garden and no dog. I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck with no room for errors, bill collectors on my back and no means of taking classes to stimulate my mind. I’m tired of having a job that is neither interesting or challenging. I knew it would only be a short matter of time before I learned what I would need to know to do the job and then I’d be bored senseless - well, I’ve hit that point. I’m also having a hard time getting to work on time everyday - a sure sign that I’m sick of what I do. I’m tired of hiding from the world and not having any close friends. I’m tired of chaos and frustration being dominant in my life. I’m tired of being afraid to go after my dreams and of not having faith in myself.

I had a dream the other night that Bob and Jillian from The Biggest Loser were yelling at me. I can’t remember anything about the dream other than that, but if they’re in my subconscious I either watch too much TV or my body is trying to tell me something. I’m going with the latter. 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This site is no longer hosted on Dreamhost because they suck.
http://blog.dreamhost.com/2008/01/15/um-whoops/

If you can read this post, it means the DNS to my new server has been updated.

Just as I was finally getting what I wanted at work and things in life were starting to fall into place…WHAM!

Instead of my lovely 3-11 shift, I am now working 6pm to 6am 3 days a week (either Sun-Tues or Thurs-Sat) and a six hour shift (either 6pm-Midnight or Midnight-6am) on Wednesdays. I’ve been lied to my management. Our stupid schedule flip flops every 4 months, so first I worked the beginning of the week and we flipped the first week of June and am now working the last part of the week. I’m tired, I’m depressed, I’m moody. My work ethic disappeared and I absolutely hate going to work everyday.

People tell me it must be great to only work 3-1/2 days a week. Yeah, on paper it’s freaking wonderful. In real life, not so much. 12 hours in front of a computer has aggravated my old whiplash injury. I make lots of mistakes, I can’t sleep due to crappy neighbors, I cry A LOT. I never see my boyfriend anymore. My knitting is suffering. It’s just not cool.

Well, I knew Saturn was going to make me deal with stuff I’ve been putting off. See, I’ve always wanted my own business. I absolutely loathe working for other people, especially when I view those in power above me as utter nincompoops. Due to not being able to find other work in this field, I decided that after all of this schedule nonsense and especially some utterly ridiculous events that occurred last Friday, I am resolute to finally just do it. The local organization that helps people start small businesses offers classes that I’m going to begin taking in July.

I’m not going to disclose what I want to do just yet. We’ll see if I can get anybody to fund it first. It’s time to take the plunge and stop letting other people without my best interests in mind dictate my life.

Today’s Weight: 297.4 lbs.

Geez, the first month of 2008 is already almost half over. Where is the year going?

Not a huge weight loss this week, but better than nothing considering the fact that I’m still sick and have upper chest congestion that’s keeping me from being active.

I’ve really been thinking a lot this week about something Jillian Michaels said on The Biggest Loser 4 (TBL) last season. A guy was drinking a lot of fruit juice and she told him not to drink his calories. I’ve been distraught trying to figure out where my calories are coming from (I really need to start a food journal) and it dawned on me that I drink an awful lot of coffee and tea laden with sugar. I also was drinking a ton of vitamin waters and stuff. I kept convincing myself that they were OK because they were “healthy.” I’m switching back to unsweetened tea and limiting myself to one cup of coffee at work. I’m going to try to phase that out totally. I’ve started taking my water bottle to work so that I’ll sip on that throughout the day instead of grabbing coffee or worse, a can of coke.

Something said on this season of TBL that really bothered me, also. One of the female contestants weighed in at 270 something pounds (I think - can’t find confirmation online yet. Allison said she was the heaviest female contestant so far on TBL. I weigh almost 30 pounds heavier than she. Talk about eye-opener. Especially when you look at the women on there each season and they are obviously obese, yet I keep convincing myself that “I don’t look that bad.” Well, I must look worse. The sooner I face it, the sooner I will act.

That said, I must get moving and get to work. *sigh*

Wow, I didn’t think it had been that long since I had written here.

I’ve been seriously taking a look at my life and trying to evaluate what is working and what isn’t. One thing I’ve concluded is that I’m awfully good at making plans and living in the future, but very poor at actually following through and actually living my life.

Sadly, the Internet has been a major roadblock for me. I spent way too much time reading about other people’s lives and wishing I could be like them, rather than getting myself away from the computer and working to achieve my own goals.

One major thing I decided to do was give myself a gift for my birthday last September and take a knitting lesson. I’ve wanted to knit ever since I was a little girl. Mom taught me to crochet easily enough, but since she absolutely hated knitting, she didn’t try very hard to teach me. I’ve tried teaching myself through books and videos online, but I couldn’t get the hang of it. I’m one of those people that needs to be shown something to really “get it.” A yarn shop in Aurora offers free lessons if you purchase your supplies in the shop, so I took the birthday bonus given to me by my employer, bought some wool and took the lesson. I was hooked.

The Internet did do one good thing for me. A community called Ravelry was launched online for fiber artists (knitters, crocheters and spinners) about a year ago. I heard about it last October, put my name on the waiting list and officially joined in early December. Through the site, I’ve met other knitters and crocheters in the area and finally got the courage to join a Stitch ‘n’ Bitch down in Parker. I’m finally getting some IRL friends with interests/hobbies in common. As Martha Stewart would say, it’s a good thing.

I also got the guts to ask my supervisor at work if I could switch from first shift (7am-3pm) to 2nd shift (3-11pm). After many weeks of stalling, he finally switched my schedule this week. I’m not, nor have a ever been, a morning person. I’ve been trying for well over a year (with no success) to get used to that schedule. I’ve been sleep deprived and irritable as a result. After two days of being on 2nd shift, I can already tell it’s going to be a better fit. The only downsides are that I can’t go to as many SnB meetings and Marcus and I will no longer have our Friday night date at Wing Stop (unless we go really late). I’ll deal.

I think starting tomorrow, I’m going to bring back my Daily Tasks posts. I’ve actually been accomplishing much in my day before heading off to work.

There is a girl at work I can’t stand. I absolutely loathe her. For a variety of reasons, she gets under my skin. I realize that I can’t change her and my best course of action everyday is just to ignore her, but for some reason, I can’t. I can’t figure out why I can’t just mind my own business, try to pretend she’s not there, do whatever it takes to get through the day without being angry and frustrated. I realized what a big problem this was yesterday when just the thought of her impending arrival time was starting to make me anxious and sick to my stomach. I had forgotten my headphones and ipod and knew tuning her out was going to be impossible. She’s a huge drama queen (to the point of distracting others trying to work) and management does nothing about her. This is when I miss having the file room to retreat to. It used to be my coping mechanism. If she got to be too much to deal with, I’d go file stuff to remove myself from the equation.

Today’s Weight: 298.9 lbs.

Since my one goal/resolution in this new year is to get healthy (physicially, mentally and financially), it’s time to start writing here again. While I know that what the scale says is not the most important factor, with as much weight as I have to lose, it’s up there on the list but I am not going to obsess over the number. I’m just going to document my weight every Monday morning.

I saw some really shocking pictures of myself that Mike took at our Christmas party and I’m appalled. I have at least come to terms mentally with the fact that I am obese, but I didn’t even recognize the person in those photos. After work today, I will post one at the end of this entry.

I’m just getting over some crud I picked up a couple of days before Christmas. I had a really bad cough that led to lots of inactivity. I topped the scales at 301 lbs. during that time. Now that I can do a little physical activity without starting a coughing fit that makes me puke, it’s time to tackle head on this problem of mine that I have continued to bury my head in the sand about. If I don’t lose this weight now, I will die prematurely. Period. I want to look in the mirror and see my good friend back, not this stranger that looks nothing like me.

Today’s weight: 267 lbs.

I’ve been neglecting this site for too long, but the last five months of my life have been a nightmare. It’s time to buckle down and really get on task to creating the life I want and dream about.

I knew that Saturn coming into my sign this year was going to cause issues, I just wasn’t prepared for everything to come to a head all at once. Here’s what has been going on, in no particular order.

I already wrote about the changes in the schedule at my workplace. I was also told the only way I could get back on a day shift was to take a new position. I had reservations about whether I really wanted to do that particular job, but I wanted off the night shift so bad that I agreed. Big mistake. I absolutely loathe my job now. I wanted some actual training for the equipment I have to work on and I won’t get it. Plus, my supervisor is a lying asshole. I no longer trust him and I hate his guts. I wanted my old job back, but was told to either do the job I was in now or I had to resign. Yeah, like I can afford to be unemployed right before Christmas again. I had to basically grovel to keep this stupid job. I was also told by this same stupid supervisor that I need to lower my standards because I expect too much out of people. Um, OK. I don’t expect perfection, I was just tired of the same stupid people doing stuff wrong over and over.

I went to that small business class. My credit is so damaged I can’t get any loans to start my own business. Yeah, this is my fault and I need to deal with it. It’s going to take several years to repair things to the point where I can actually get some financing. For now, the dream of owning my own business is on hold. I’m still going to look into some other ways I can make money from home. I have some thoughts about what I can do. We’ll have to see if I bring them to fruition.

I went into the hospital for a week in July to have my gall bladder removed. I woke up Sunday, July 16th and started puking. It wouldn’t stop all day and the next morning I was told to go to Urgent Care. They told me I needed to get to the ER right away. The good news is I finally started watching what I’m eating and a lot of high fat foods just won’t agree with me anymore, so I’m starting to lose weight. About 40 pounds so far from my highest weight ever. Having the WiiFit has certainly helped, too. Even my crappy job has me moving all day, so that has helped, too. That’s about the only good thing I can say about my new position.

Our living situation needs to change. I can’t stand living in this crappy mobile home park and paying outrageous lot rent anymore. I bet there is only a handful of lots in this place where legal U.S. citizens live. The cat and raccoon problem is out of control. The other day, I saw a mouse head into my bedroom. I only have 3 birds left as pets and I miss having fuzzy creatures, especially dogs, around. I promised Marcus I wouldn’t bring home any more pets until we move, though. I can’t sit outsize to read or craft. There are screaming Mexican children everywhere and tons of bugs. We don’t have a porch or pleasant scenery to look at. Just other ugly mobile homes and weeds. I miss gardening. I miss cooking and baking. I miss decorating my house for different holidays. I miss having pizza delivered, but Marcus doesn’t want delivery people to see what we have in our house so that we get robbed.

I went a little nuts during my last depression phase buying yarn. I always buy stuff I don’t need when my life is in utter chaos. My craft room is totally unorganized and out of control again. In fact, so is the whole house. Marcus tends to buy stuff when he’s down, too.

So far, the only good thing in my life is Marcus. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. We certainly deserve a better situation that we are currently stuck in.

I want to get our home on to land. I want to grow my own food. I want to have a herd of alpacas so I can make my own yarn. I want chickens. I want to learn to spin and dye yarn. I hate it when I have a color in mind and I can’t find it anywhere. I want to be responsible for what I do everyday, not being told what to do by lying, stupid supervisors. I want a couple of Alaskan Malamutes that I can train to pull a sled. I want to travel without having to get time off from a job. I need to figure out how to make this happen.

I know I’m out of shape, but today confirmed it. I finally got off my butt and worked out to my Sweatin’ to the Oldies video. OMG, the backs of my legs are in pain. I’m going to have some issues walking tomorrow.

I know I haven’t written here in a while. I’ve been purposely staying away from the Internet when possible and trying to do some self-reflection and analyzing.

I’ve hit a real low point again in my life. Though I haven’t gained any weight, I’ve lost a lot of muscle tone. I split my pants getting into the car after work the other day and had to go to K-Mart to get a new pair. I’ve gone up a size…to the biggest ones they had (26W) and even those are a bit snug. If I continue in this pattern of inactivity and wallowing in despair, I’ll soon outgrow those. A walk up a flight of stairs at work yesterday left me breathless. Not cool.

I’ve only ever been this big and out of shape two other times in my life. It’s now time to finally do something about this.